Megan Davidhizar on the inspiration behind YA thriller Gaslit

When my husband and I moved into our first house, I didn’t expect to be welcomed by neighbors with warnings of how they’d narrowly escaped death.

Over a decade later while brainstorming my second young adult novel, I remained haunted by the tales of two separate households waking in the middle of the night to a sulfuric stench. The homeowners were sick but lucky to be alive. Gas leaks and gaslighting began weaving together in my head to create a thrilling tale of a sixteen-year-old girl arriving at her aunt’s house only to find the entire family knocked unconscious, and she isn’t able to save them all. Worse, even when she believes she knows who’s responsible, no one believes her.

In Gaslit, I knew I wanted to play with an unreliable narrator that would leave readers questioning the truth, and an invisible killer coming from inside the house was the perfect murder weapon. But I asked myself, “Why would it be especially painful for this character to be doubted?”

The answer seemed obvious: she’d been the victim of gaslighting before, specifically medical gaslighting, which many patients, especially women, experience. Doctors invalidate patient concerns for a variety of reasons, including some they may not be aware of, such as ignorance or bias. The result can be an incorrect or delayed diagnosis, worsening symptoms, and emotional distress as patients question their own reality. Ella’s illness alongside the gas leak developed a theme of the invisible and exploring why we fear what we cannot see.

While I do not share Ella’s diagnosis, I spent years suffering from symptoms of my own invisible illness. I went to doctors describing my symptoms, but the only answer I received was a set of shrugged shoulders. Years later, one doctor suggested the symptoms might not have a physical cause, but a psychological one: anxiety.

At first, this frustrated me. “Anxiety” felt like an easy excuse, a way to suggest it was all in my head and not a valid medical illness. Slowly, I realized there might be more truth in her assessment than I was initially willing to accept, and I spent years trying to discern how much of my illness was “real” before accepting it didn’t matter if these symptoms began with a physical cause that developed into a psychological one; the symptoms of anxiety are just as real as any injury on an x-ray.

I wrote a similar struggle into Ella’s arc as she battles her migraines. I’ve become hyperaware of my body and familiar with wondering if I’m actually experiencing symptoms or if I’m being paranoid. Like Ella, I’ve missed important events and I’ve tried to gaslight myself into believing “I’m fine” in the desperate hope I can conquer the debilitating effects with my own willpower.

However, because I do not share Ella’s exact diagnosis, I did not want to misrepresent it. I researched medical journals, spoke with doctors, and interviewed survivors. Two interviews with former students were particularly helpful in forming Ella’s emotional arc around her diagnosis as a young woman and the fear of how others might see her if they knew the truth.

I hope Ella’s story reveals that even if someone looks well on the outside, we can never know what invisible struggles they are battling inside, physically or mentally; both deserve our attention and compassion.

Gaslit by Megan Davidhizar is out in paperback now.