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eurovision-2014-albumReleased: April 2014

When the opportunity came up to review the Eurovision 2014 album, it was hard to resist. There’s nothing like the Eurovision – it’s a parade of bad taste that seems to exist in an alternate dimension where ‘cool’ doesn’t exist and heartfelt songs about all manner of wrong are sung.

The general offering of Eurovision always seems like there’s been some sort of time delay and that delay varies from 5 to 15 years. Listening to the songs without the often-distracting visuals allows you to pay way more attention to the lyrics and this doesn’t benefit any of the songs.

This year we’re treated to some Bieber Baby-esque vocals from hosting country Denmark’s offering, which features lyrics that reference Katy Perry – along with plenty of other nonsense words – and it’s a pretty torturous song.

Remember O-Town the reality TV sensation from the early 2000’s? They did that song Liquid Dreams. Well, I’m pretty convinced that Belarus may have hired the same writers for their entry Teo’s song, Cheesecake. It has the early 2000’s DJ scratch, campy boy band harmonies and empty/angry lyrics “I’m tired of being your sweet cheesecake”. This song is pure awful but it’s almost so bad that it’s good. I can imagine it’ll be a favourite for quite a few people.

Of course your appreciation of any of the tracks relies on your personal taste and for me Eurovision is all about power ballads, of which there are some corkers. The Austrian entry, Rise like A Phoenix, is a Disney-esque ballad – you know the type, the “I’ve learnt something and now I must sing about how I am changing – sort of belter, but my favourite ballad from this year has to be Armenia’s offering, Aram MP3’s Not Alone. If Aram isn’t head to toe in leather and blinded by dry ice I’ll be disappointed. It’s pure power ballad awesomeness.

There is one song that rises above the rest in terms of pure awfulness though and that’s Belgium’s offering, which from the lyrics I can deduce was a song that was rejected from an ill fated ‘Norman Bates Musical’. The lyrics, which are all about Axel Hirsoux’s mother, are genuinely disturbing and it’s classic Eurovision cringe.

We finally have a modern entry for the UK this year. Molly seems to have gained a fan base across Europe already with her song Children of the Universe, which sounds like a low rent, less interesting Lorde song. It is, however, the type of song that may actually make its way into the top ten, but we all know that politics will inevitably stop her getting to the top.

Overall this album has everything you would expect from Eurovision; there’s rap, ballads, ridiculousness and the camp value is off the charts. The only people who will buy this album are hardcore Eurovision aficionados and this year they won’t be disappointed.

★★★

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