– The nation has been gripped by a plague of Killer Spiders! Or not, as it turns out. The increase in numbers (which is probably a result of climate change) of the False Widow spider, which has been at large in the South West since 1879 and is yet to kill anyone, caused a media frenzy. The moral of the story: if it’s in the Daily Star and it’s not about football, it probably isn’t true. Even the tits are usually fake.
– Talking of football, England have now automatically qualified for the World Cup in Rio next year, through our usual brand of unexciting football, following a 2-0 win over Poland. But what we lack in flare, we make up for in flashes of brilliance. Although, admittedly, our group did contain the likes of San Marino and Montenegro, so if we couldn’t stick a few past them we would be in trouble. Nevertheless, coming top of the group is a great start to the campaign. Hopefully we’ll be equally fortunate in our opening group in Rio.
– From eleven English icons to one (better) one: Morrissey. After countless delays and publishing squabbles, Penguin finally published the former Smiths frontman’s autobiography this week. The book aptly resulted in split coverage, with some people saying it was irrelevant bullshit, and others a revelation. Much how the public perceives Morrissey himself, I am of the latter and believe this to be one of the previously untold stories of music history; may his light never go out.
– Our lights however, look to be going out and staying out though, with SSE increasing energy prices by 8.2%, following on from this British Gas raised their prices by 9.2%! The government claim to be powerless to do anything about this, despite countless complaints.
– Whilst previously condemning cider for its low cost and high alcohol content, the government have changed their tune on the much-loved summer favourite in the light of the dire economy. Whilst the public already knew a strong cider was a remedy for success, it took a mean recession and the need to increase exports that led the government there. Cider sales were up by more than 50% in the USA and Australia last year. Mind you, the USA has missed the point somewhat and is flogging Aspall off wine lists and charging 26 bucks a bottle. If other countries follow suit, exporting the hell out of it might not be a bad idea.